Merry and Pippin
by Jenova2
Summary: Not a slash!! A LOTR version of Hansel and Gretal. COMPLETE!!!
1. Chapter I Introduction

Merry and Pippin  
  
-An adaptation of the classic fairy tale, Hansel and Gretal, for all of those whom are, like me, hopelessly addicted to Lord of the Rings.-  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own LOTR. I don't own Hansel and Gretal. Heck, I don't own anything!!! (Well, I have my mechanical pencil, as I mentioned in another story that is no longer posted, but you don't care about that.)  
  
Note-This is NOT a slash.  
  
~ Chapter I ~ -  
  
Once upon a time, in a land far away (or, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, if you prefer), there lived a poor widowed elf and her two adopted hobbit sons. The elf's name was Arwen, and she had been married to the woodcutter Boromir, who met his untimely death defending his sons from orcs. Although they were poor, she and the hobbits, two mischievous young lads named Merry and Pippin, were very happy. However, deciding that the two troublemaking, yet still so lovable, children needed the guidance of a father, Arwen resolved to look for a new husband. Unfortunately, they were living in the Shire, a place that is a left turn off of Nowhere and has the population of about five and a half inhabitants. Arwen was forced to settle for having her wicked uncle Bilbo move in. This created quite a dilemma. Bilbo hated children, especially ones who hid his cane and put whoopi- cushions under his rocking chair. He complained that they ate more than their share of the meager food supply (which was probably true, considering that they were, in fact, hobbits). One night, as Bilbo sat by the fire, twirling his mysterious golden ring in his hands, he decided to dispose of Pippin and Merry once and for all, whenever the next chance arose...  
  
  
  
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --  
  
Ok, these old fairy tales always have a moral, so I think I'll give it a try. The moral of chapter one is- Never get in the way of a cranky hobbit and his food.  
  
So, tell me, whatcha think? Good, bad, stupid, bizarre? Too many run on sentences? Too short? The main question is, DO YOU WANT MORE?!? 


	2. Chapter II A Camping Trip and Lembas Bre...

Merry and Pippin  
  
  
  
  
  
Note- Thank you all for the reviews! I'd just like to say that I am going to put more LOTR into the future chapters, not just switch names. As for length, I'll try to make these chapters longer. Chapter I was the intro, so it's not supposed to be as long.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter II ~A camping trip and Lembas Bread  
  
  
  
Bilbo's brilliant plan came the next morning. Arwen was busy baking lembas in the kitchen, and the two young hobbits were playing outside. He paced anxiously around his cramped bedroom, cleverly piecing the details together.  
  
"Yes, it is perfect! I'll take them out into the woods, on a ...camping trip! Yes, that works. Then, I'll...I'll LEAVE THEM!!! MUAHAHAHA!!! Yes, what a perfect plan. Mine, my own, my precsioussssss plan!!!!!" He mumbled insanely to himself. (See what happens when you deprive a hobbit of food?)  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
"Merry?"  
  
What, Pippin?"  
  
I'm bored, Merry."  
  
"I am to, Pippin. Stop complaining."  
  
"We should think of a new game. That'd be fun"  
  
"Pippin, look around. We're in the Shire. There's nothing here but trees and rocks!"  
  
Pippin glanced around. It was true. The only thing he could see other than the tiny hole they inhabited was... rocks and trees. And as entertaining as rocks and trees are, they can only keep two problematic hobbits occupied for a short time. They had already played 'Climb the tree', 'Climb the Rock', 'Throw the Rock at Tree', 'Throw the Rock at the Other Rock', 'Throw the Rock at the Hobbit Hole', 'Throw the Rock at each other', and 'Pick up the Pretty Rocks and Put them in your Pocketes'. In other words, they were bored. "They're got to be SOMETHING to do, Merry." Pippin finally stated. Merry just groaned. Pippin could be such a PAIN sometimes!  
  
"Hello boys! Having fun?" Both hobbits nearly jumped out of their tunics when they heard the voice from behind them. They whipped around to see... Bilbo. While they had been talking and observing the surrounding trees and rocks, Bilbo must have sneaked up behind them. But Bilbo NEVER came outside, not even to smoke his pipe weed! That wasn't the strangest thing though; Bilbo sounded almost cheerful. Pippin and Merry were both too stunned to reply.  
  
"You see, I was just thinking that if you weren't too busy out here, you might want to go for a walk in the woods. We could even make a camping trip out of it!"  
  
Merry and Pippin turned to face each other. Spending time alone with their great (or not-so-great, as Merry often whispered to Pippin) uncle was not their idea of a fun afternoon, but neither could think of anything better to do. They reluctantly nodded their heads and went back into the hole to pack their things for the trip. Bilbo let out on of those evil laughs that sent shivers up their spines.  
  
'Muahahaha! I fooled them!! I'm so tricksey! Now, I just need to pull the wool over Arwen's eyes and I'm home free! Those stupid brats won't be able to find their way home!!! Oh well, more food for me!' He thought as he went to speak to Arwen.  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *  
  
"Well, I guess they can go..." said Arwen suspiciously. "But they have to wear their cloaks, and they have to be in bed by nine forty-five."  
  
"Oh, of course, Arwen dear! I'm just so glad to be spending some quality time with my two favorite adopted grand-nephews!" Bilbo said sweetly. He pulled Merry and Pippin squirming into a huge hug. Then he abruptly shoved them out the door and down the snaking path. Arwen waved good-bye, wondering if Bilbo had gotten soft in his old age and finally grown fond the lovable little halflings.  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *  
  
"Hey, Pippin, what do you think's going on?" Merry whispered, as Bilbo walked ahead of them.  
  
"I don't know. I thought he hated us. Maybe he's been at his pipe to long or something." Replied Pippin in a hushed voice. They could both hear Bilbo talking quietly to himself as he lead them off of the path and deeper into the forest, laughing his chilling laughs and whispering something about a 'precious plan'. They couldn't decipher what he was saying, so they began talking again, trying to identify the different trees and strange bird songs they saw and heard as they walked along.  
  
They stopped walking after a nearly five-hour walk. Both thought that they were going to collapse with exhaustion. Merry began setting up the small tent they had brought as Pippin pulled out three wafers of freshly baked lembas bread. The younger hobbit was surprised to find that Bilbo didn't launch himself at the food immediately. Instead, he sat down beside a tree and pulled out his pipe. He began puffing out smoke at a horrendous rate, until the whole campsite was enveloped in a cloud of the reaking fumes. Merry and Pippin were forced to leave. Coughing, they moved to a place just beyond the smoke where they could still see the campsite through their burning eyes. They knew that if they were to lose site of it, they could get lost in the forest and never come out...  
  
A swift wind came whistling through the trees a few moments later. The fresh breeze cleared the smoke away, revealing an empty campsite. Both of the small shirelings gasped at the site. Bilbo, the only one who knew the way back, had vanished in the puff of smoke!  
  
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --  
  
Oh, I made a cliff-hanger!!! Do you like it so far?? The moral of chappy 2 is-Never trust the food deprived hobbit. 


	3. Chapter III What has it got in it's pock...

Merry and Pippin  
  
  
  
Note- Ok, let's see. Age of Merry and Pippin? I guess you will have to read it and see how old you think they are. Though most people don't realize it, Merry and Pippin are very complex characters. One minute they may be comical little hobbit lads, and the next they are serious grown up hobbits. That's what I love about them. They are willing to risk their lives for one another, yet they still joke on each other and act like they haven't a care in the world. Wow, I'm rambling on here!! Sorry about that. What I'm saying is that you'll have to interpret their ages for yourself, because I really can't say. Yeah, and I know Bilbo's not really evil. It's all the ring (and the fact that he fit the part for my story).  
  
Chapter Three- What has it Gots in its Pocketses?  
  
The two hobbits had fallen asleep after waiting well into the night for Bilbo to return. The sun had risen before Merry had finally given up hope that their great uncle would come.  
  
"Merry, don't worry so much. Bilbo might have just gone back to the house to get something we forgot. I'm sure he'll be back." Said the younger hobbit hopefully. It was against his cheerful nature to sulk and worry. Unfortunately, Merry wasn't so optimistic at the moment.  
  
"Don't you get it, Pip? He left up ON PURPOSE! He isn't coming back! Oh, how could we have been so stupid? We should have known it was a trick! We'll be stuck here forever."  
  
Pippin knew that his brother was upset and needed to sulk for a while. The best thing for him to do would be to find something to occupy himself with until Merry stopped panicking and thought of a plan. He glanced around the campsite. Something lying below the surrounding trees caught his eye. He walked over to find a pretty green rock, which he placed in his pockets with the stones he had collected the day before. A little further on, he found another. Pippin discovered that when he squinted, the rock looked like the head of an oliphaunt.  
  
'I've seen this rock before! It's one of Merry's. I remember trying to trade him for it!' He glanced back at his brother. Although his pockets had been bulging with rocks yesterday, they now appeared empty. Pippin sneaked closer and saw a small rip in the seam at the bottom of the pocket. It was just a bit too small for the rocks to fall freely through; however, if he were to move around a lot, one rock at a time could easily been pushed out.  
  
"Merry! I know how we can get home!" he cried jovially. He quickly showed Merry the hole in the pocket and the stones (which Merry snatched back immediately).  
  
"Pippin, you're a genius!" He shouted as they followed the rock trail towards home.  
  
~*~Meanwhile~*~  
  
"Oh, Arwen, it was horrible! I heard wargs, so I turned back. I thought they were behind me! If I had known they weren't following, I would have looked for them right then. But now, they've doubtlessly wandered off from where they were. I admit, I know the Shire Forest better that anyone else, but that's still no guarantee that I'll be able to find them." Bilbo lied to his niece. He was pleased that he sounded so convincing. He had even managed to work up a few tears. By now, Arwen was sobbing.  
  
"Now, now, dear. This could be for the better. Perhaps they'll be found by some dirty yet handsome king that will take them to his kingdom to be raised as princes." Arwen didn't look convinced.  
  
"You go out there and find them now!" She whispered, in a calm and terrifying voice.  
  
"But...but... there are wargs out there! It's dangerous for an old man to go out there alone!!" His elvish niece glared at him. Her expression was somewhere between sorrow and rage. It was frightening to behold.  
  
"My sons are out there, Bilbo. You go find them, and I mean NOW!!!!" With that, she tossed him out the door.  
  
~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *  
  
Another warg howled in the distance. Pippin shivered. Although forests can be exciting and good for adventures, they have some down sides. Besides the fact that it's easy to get lost in one, they stay dark, even in the day. Pippin may have been able to laugh the whole situation off while they were sitting at a campfire; doing so in the dark was a different thing entirely. Merry noticed that his brother was being uncharacteristically silent. Since he was older, he naturally felt protective of Pippin. He pondered for a moment on the best way to cheer Pippin up before he finally broke out into song.  
  
'The road goes ever on and on,  
  
Down from the door where it began.  
  
Now far ahead the road has gone,  
  
And I must follow if I can.'  
  
Pippin let a shy smile sneak across his face as he joined in on the second verse.  
  
'Pursuing it with eager feet,  
  
Until it finds some larger way,  
  
Where many paths and errands meet,  
  
And whither then? I cannot say.'  
  
  
  
The hobbit siblings burst into a fit of giggles before continuing the lines they could remember. When they finished their song, they immediately began singing another, to drown out the wargs mournful cries.  
  
~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *  
  
"Stupid brats! Stupid wargs! Stupid trees! Darn them! Darn them all to HECK!" (A/N Hey, this is rated g, ok?) Bilbo shouted. (Living with two young hobbits and a very protective mother had taken its toll in Bilbo; he had forgotten all the colorful words he used to know.)  
  
'Stupid Arwen. Now I'm going to have to stay out in these stupid, cold woods with the stupid wargs, just to make her think I've been looking for the stupid kids so I can get a decent meal!!' Bilbo snarled and continued mumbling to himself. Suddenly, his old hobbit ears perked up. He heard voices singing! He sneaked up silently and saw...  
  
"Hey, Pippin! These woods look familiar! We must be close to home!" shouted Merry in glee. "We'll be back in our hobbit-hole in no time!"  
  
"I don't think that's going to happen!" yelled Bilbo as he sprang from his hiding place and grabbed the hobbits. Pippin screamed. Both Shirelings began struggling madly.  
  
"Merry, look, he can't hold us both!" whispered Pippin as he brought his bare foot down on Bilbo's toes.  
  
"No, but I can hold ONE of you!" cackled Bilbo, pushing Merry away suddenly and dragging the smaller hobbit into the woods.  
  
"Merry, run!" Pippin shouted. "Go get Mom!"  
  
'Oh no! What do I do? Mom will help, but if I let Bilbo get out of my sight, Pippin will be lost forever! But if I follow, I'll get lost too!' Merry gritted his teeth and made his decision....  
  
~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ * Don, don, don! Oh, what's he gonna do? Hahaha, I know and you have to wait and find out (even though you probably know already). The moral of this chapter is- It's always good to know what you've got in your pocketses!  
  
Peace out! 


	4. Chapter IV A Lesson and More Lembas Brea...

Merry and Pippin  
  
  
  
Note- Howdy y'all! Out of total Jenova randomness, I have decided to declare this week (Feb. 9-15) as unofficial non-published author appreciation week (if there already is one, which I somehow doubt, then sorry!). So, are you're reading stories this week (not just mine, too), review and let someone know you appreciate them. They are expending time and effort to write, you know. So go ahead, don't be shy. Let your constructive criticism fly free! People like it when you tell them you appreciate them, ya know! Ok, enough advertising. Don, don, don! Presenting... Chapter 4!!!!  
  
  
  
~Chapter IV- A Lesson and More Lembas Bread~  
  
Merry crumbled up the Lembas wafers and tossed them on the ground as he ran further into the forest. He wouldn't let Bilbo hurt Pippin, even if it meant that he got lost too. It was painful to think that he was wasting the last of his food, especially when he got further from home with each step, but he knew that he had to leave a trail. After he freed Pippin from Bilbo, it would be their only hope of getting back to Arwen and the hobbit hole.  
  
'Oh, stop thinking, Merry! Move! You're losing them!' he told himself. But he couldn't stop thinking. As he noted that a branch was bent the wrong way, he changed directions slightly. He remembered how Bilbo had taught Pippin and himself how to follow a trail so many years ago...  
  
~~~Hazy Flashback-y Type Sequence~~~  
  
"No, no, no, Merry! Don't be so hasty. The earth is telling you where to go, and you're not listening. Look, you almost stepped on that footprint and destroyed it! I'm leaving you a clear trail to follow, and you're not even using it." Bilbo stepped out from behind a tree, gently scolding his great-nephew. No matter how hard Merry tried, he always seemed to miss the trail. The worst part was, his little brother was a natural tracker. So while Pippin had gone inside to help Arwen bake (although his helping consisted mainly of sneaking a few bites of whatever was cooking when her back was turned), Merry had had to stay out and continue his lesson with his uncle. Merry wasn't eve sure WHY Bilbo wanted to teach them, but he insisted that it was 'a life skill that every young hobbit should know'.  
  
"Uncle Bilbo, I'll never be able to do it! Can't I just go inside?" Bilbo looked at Merry with disappointment at his wanting to give up. He sat down and tenderly placed the young hobbit onto his knee.  
  
"Merry, you'll never get this down if you keep thinking like that. This just takes time to learn. Be patient, and learn to listen to what the earth is telling you. You'll find your answers there." Bilbo lifted Merry off of his lap and stood again. "Now, are you really ready to give up and go inside, or will you try one more time?"  
  
Merry and Bilbo stayed outside tracking until well after sundown.  
  
  
  
~~~UN-Hazy Flashback-y Type Sequence~~~  
  
Bilbo had been nice then. What had caused him to change so much? Merry paused and looked around. He had been so wrapped up in the memory that he had lost sight of his brother.  
  
'Listen to the earth, Merry. Listen! You've got to find them!' Merry turned about franticly until he caught sight of the path once more. 'Thank you for teaching me, Bilbo. Thank you for making me listen!' he whispered as he ran once more. What a strange coincident, that he was using Bilbo's very lessons against him. Or was it just a coincident? Whatever had happened to Bilbo, it didn't seem natural.  
  
'I can't afford to think right now!' Merry screamed at himself as he pushed through the low-hanging branches of the trees. He disappeared into the forest, leaving only a gleaming trail of lembas in his wake.  
  
~~~~Meanwhile~~~~  
  
The great eagle circled high above the trees of the Shire, scanning the woodlands below for possible prey. His sharp eyes were captured by a black mass moving about on the ground. The Great Eagle swooped down. He dropped rapidly, until he could clearly see what was going on. The black mass was a line of crebine, from Dunland, by the looks of them. They were pecking at the ground like common chickens! The great Eagle saw other birds too, and beasts as well. A sweet smell arose from the forest. As the Eagle landed onto the forest floor, he finally saw what had attracted all these animals: a rapidly disappearing trail of lembas crumbs.  
  
~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-*~-* Oh, suspense!! Well, sorta. Anyways, if you want to know what's going on with Pippin and Bilbo, you'll have to wait until the next update (reviewing helps it come sooner, *HINT HINT*). The moral of Chapter IV- Listen to what old people tell you; it may come in handy if they go crazy and kidnap a member of your family!! Peace out, and remember that this week is unofficial non-published author appreciation week! 


	5. Chapter V The Mysterious House of Mushro...

Merry and Pippin  
Note- Ok, I can't think of anything to pointlessly ramble on about at the moment, so this will be a short note. Happy birthday to Leia's minstrel. (She's turning three and three-quarters today, or yesterday, or whenever.)You wanted an unofficial b-day present, so here it is. [I'll try not to make this too bad or ramble-y]  
  
Oh, important- these neat { } marks will show what Bilbo (normal Bilbo, not ring Bilbo) is thinking.  
  
~~Chapter V- The Mysterious House of Mushrooms~~  
  
~(INSIDE BILBO'S MIND)~  
  
{I watch helplessly through the bars of my cage. I try to fight, but I'm so tired. I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter over too much bread. I watch myself pull the young hobbit roughly. No, it's not me. The Ring, that's whose doing this. The same Ring that has trapped me in this cage, so that I can watch as It tears apart my life. I am too weak to break Its hold over me. So I watch.}  
  
~~IN THE SHIRE FOREST~~  
  
Pippin finally stopped thrashing. He had struggled for more than an hour, but he still couldn't get free of Bilbo. The young hobbit's head slumped down with exhaustion and shame. He knew he shouldn't give up, but it seemed so pointless.  
  
{'No, Pippin, don't give up. The more you struggle, the better trail you leave for your brother. Be strong.' I wish I could tell him, but the Ring is so strong. But I have to do something. The Ring may hate my nephews, but I love them. I will make myself have the strength for this. I shove my hand through the cage. It feels like I have thrust my hand into a fire, but if I can reach him, it will all be worth it.}  
  
Pippin felt Bilbo take his small hand into Bilbo's own callus one. The motion wasn't harsh, but tender. The hand gently squeezed Pippin's, like a friend would do to comfort another. Then, in a quick motion, Bilbo's nails dug into his hand.  
  
"OUCH!" Pippin screamed as he began struggling once more.  
  
{I sense the Ring's anger billowing forth. Anger at me, for my resistance of It's control, anger at Pippin for fighting. I hear the Ring's sneering voice in my ears...}  
  
"Arrrrgggggg! You'll pay for this dearly, hobbit!"  
  
{Does It mean Pippin, or me?}  
  
"I'll make ALL of you pay. You're precious nephews will be lost forever. Then, I'll go back and make that elvish witch pay too. And you know what Bilbo? You'll be watching it all." Pippin shrunk back as he heard the words spoken. Why was Bilbo talking to himself? And the hatred in his voice, where had that come from?  
  
{'If you harm a hair on their heads, I swear by Eru that I'll never stop hunting you! }  
  
"Ah, poor little Bilbo. You don't have the strength to fight me. I bet you couldn't even stop me from, say, DOING THIS..." Bilbo swept Pippin up in one fluid motion and flung him straight into a tree. His head slammed into it with full force with a sickening crack. The last thing the young shireling saw was Bilbo's hand reaching toward him...  
  
(INSIDE BILBO'S MIND AGAIN)  
  
{I feel the strength of pure rage flowing into me as I watch a thin stream of blood trickle down Pippin's face. 'I have enough strength for this.' I shout silently. I reach forth and tear down my cage. The burning sensation only fuels me on. I grab my captor and trap It in a cage of my own. It will escape soon, but I have the time I need. I swear to Eru that the Ring will NOT harm the ones I love. 'I have enough strength for this'.}  
  
(SHIRE FOREST AGAIN)  
  
Bilbo carefully lifted Pippin's head and wrapped a bandage around his wound. All the time he could feel the presence of the Ring, could sense Its cold grip silently breaking free of the barrier that contained It. He was aware of his limited time, but he wasn't going to be hasty and risk hurting Pippin more.  
  
"There you go, lad. Good as new. Please understand, I never wanted to hurt you. I have to go now, because I want to be as far from here as I can when the Ring gets control again. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for bringing you out here. I'm sorry for everything! Goodbye, Peregrine. I love you all." Bilbo ran off into the forest, with tears in his eyes. And although Pippin hadn't regained consciousness yet, he murmured a barely audible 'goodbye.'  
  
~*~*~*~* A SHORT TIME LATER*~*~*~*~  
  
When Pippin finally woke up, he found Merry, not Bilbo, standing over him. His head was bandaged, but everything still looked a little bit hazy. He reached up and hugged his brother.  
  
"Hello Merry. Bilbo wanted to tell you that he's sorry, and that he really does love us." Pippin was finding it hard to keep his eyes in focus. His head was swimming.  
  
"What are you talking about, Pip. You must have hit your head pretty hard. Bilbo's the one who kidnapped you, remember?" Merry said, bewildered. But Pippin was already fast asleep.  
  
~*~*~*~* THE NEXT MORNING*~*~*~*~  
  
This time when Pippin woke, his head was clearer. Now that he was more aware of his surroundings, he noticed that he was (gasp!) hungry. He checked his pockets (A/N- yeah, someone's been paying attention to the morals at the end of the chapters), but found nothing edible. He shook Merry awake.  
  
"Hey, Merry. Do you have any food? I feel like I could eat three or four breakfasts."  
  
"Nope, I used up all my Lembas to make a trail. But don't worry. We can eat as much as we like when we get home."  
  
"Alright Merry." Pippin said, not knowing whether to be excited about getting home or disappointed about not having food. Then he figured that acting glum wouldn't make him any less hungry, so he decided on enthusiasm. He glanced about to find the trail they were going to follow home, but...  
  
"Merry?"  
  
"What Pip?" Merry said, as he dusted off his clothing and yawned.  
  
"I don't see the trail. Where is it?"  
  
"It's over there." Merry pointed, without opening his eyes.  
  
"No it's not." Pippin said, slightly angry that his brother didn't believe him. Merry looked up. Sure enough, there was no trail. As Merry released a frustrated scream, a myriad of birds took to the sky from all around them.  
  
"Where it it? It has to be here somewhere!" Merry cried. But neither hobbit could find even a crumb of the trail.  
  
"Could we follow Bilbo's tracks?" Pippin asked. It didn't seem like a good idea, even to him, but their alternate choices were few and far- fetched. But Merry searched the area where Pippin had thought he had gone through, and they found no trace. However, when they ventured into the woods a little ways, they found some unfamiliar tracks.  
  
"Should we follow them, Pip? I mean, we don't know who made them."  
  
"I think we should. Where there are people, they is food!" The hobbit logic sounded good, so they followed the trail.  
  
(FURTHER DOWN THE TRAIL, AT A SLIGHTLY LATER TIME)  
  
Merry came to the end of the trail slightly before Pippin. He stood there for a moment in pure shock, before yelling to Pippin to come and see.  
  
"Pinch me, because I must be dreaming." Merry said with a sigh, not even caring when Pippin took him up on the 'pinch me' offer. For right before them, standing in all its splendor and glory, was a house made entirely out of mushrooms...  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Oh, mushrooms! Well, for all you people that have been wondering who plays 'The Witch', the faster you review, the faster the chapter comes and the Witch makes his debut. (Wow, that kinda rhymes. Cool, huh?)  
  
Peace out! 


	6. Chapter VI The Mysterious Witch Residing...

Merry and Pippin  
  
Note- Umm... let's see, what do I have to say to ya'll? Well, a question about an upcoming chapter: Which do you think would be the best way that one character would owe a debt to another? The list of fairy-tale stereotype selections: Pulling a thorn out of one's foot, helping a old person who turns out to be a magician, or pulling one of those 'I'll tell the truth to the powerful sorceress instead of trying to lie and gain wealth/power/other beneficial stuff'. Anyways... enjoy chappy 6!  
~~Chapter VI- The Mysterious Witch Residing in the Mysterious House of Mushrooms~~  
  
Although it is not a well-known fact, the creature Gollum (formerly known as Sméagol) is in fact a gourmet chef. But while he enjoys dining on sushi and raw conies, Gollum would never even dream of eating any manlike creature...not cooked, that is. Indeed, he had even built a rather large furnace inside of his house, just in case he had any 'visitors'. Though at first he survived on the prey that happened to stray into his domain (mainly young girl scouts, door-to-door salesmen, and the occasional friendly neighbor hoping to borrow a cup of sugar), he found that nowadays, strangers wandering aimlessly around the Shire (population seven and one half) were few and far between. So he had gone to more drastic measure, building a house out of the one delicacy that no living thing could resist- mushrooms. And apparently his efforts had paid off, because at this very moment he could here some unfortunate being nibbling on his front porch. Gollum smirked and pulled out a few pots and pans. There would be no raw conies tonight!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Merry couldn't stop devouring mushrooms. In the back of his mind, he kept thinking that it would be terribly rude to eat some poor soul out of house and home, but he couldn't stop eating. He turned to his brother, who was hiccupping as he rid the house of a windowsill. Pippin didn't seem to mind, so Merry decided to eat now and apologize later. Hopefully, the owner of this delightful house would understand their situation...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Gollum sneaked up silently behind the young Halflings, although they were so involved with the mushrooms that he doubted that they would have noticed even if he had approached normally. 'Stupid gluttons!! Gollum, gollum. Mean hobbitses, eating my homeses, they are.' He thought in his twisted mind. He paused for a moment, trying to figure out which hobbit he should target. It was his policy to never attack unless he had the advantage, never to whisper until his hands were securely around his victim's throat. He decided that the older one must be the brain of the group, the leader. The larger one would be the one to grab then...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Pippin looked up from his food as he heard a small gasp.  
  
"Merry, what's wrong? Stomach ache?" He turned around to see his brother, whose face looked slightly blue. Webbed fingers were wrapping themselves around his throat. Behind Merry stood some... THING. Its skin was dark and clammy looking, and its absurdly huge eyes reflected the sunlight. It started dragging Merry away. Pippin wasn't about to let his brother be taken without a fight, though. He launched himself upon the monster and started flailing furiously.  
  
"You let go of my brother!! Arggghhhh!" He screamed. But the small fiend refused to relinquish his newfound meal.  
  
"Stupid hobbit! Get back, or I'll choke him, my precioussssss!" With the fear of having his brother harmed, Pippin stepped back. The once mortal dragged the nearly unconscious Merry around to the back, where a steel cage was waiting. The Shireling was quickly flung into it and locked in.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Gollum licked his blacked lips and sighed. His warm meal would have to wait. Wandering in the forest had taken its toll on the hobbits; they were simply too thin. That was a problem easily resolved, but it took time. He hoped the younger hobbit knew how to cook. He would need some assistance. It was one thing to feed one once-hobbit. Fattening up two young Halfings was entirely different. He wasn't worried about not restraining the younger hobbit. He wouldn't leave his beloved brother to death and torment.  
  
"Ha, love" he whispered to himself. "A weakness. Yes, prescioussssss, weak it makes you. We love only ourselves, don't we, gollum? We love hobbits baked and fried, too. Yes, hobbitses make a tasty feast, so nice and juicy sweet. We'll fatten up the caged one with tasty sweets, yes, and then we'll cook him up and eats him right up!"  
  
Gollum heard a gasp from behind the door, and with lightning fast reflexes, pulled Pippin in to view.  
  
"Tricksey spy! We can't have tricksey hobbitses sneaking around now, can we? Other hobbit won't eat if he knows, gollum! We'll have to make sure that little hobbit doesn't tell, precioussssss!"  
  
Luckily (or unluckily, as the case may be), Gollum had dabbled with magic as well as fine dining...  
  
*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~*^*~  
  
Don, don, don! The moral of chapter six is as follows- "It is not always in your best interest to trust the chef who resides in a house built out of mushrooms"  
  
Oh, yeah, just wanted to say, I've never read the Anamorphs series. Do I really sound like them?  
  
Oh well, remember everyone, dissecting tools can be SHARP and DANGEROUS!! 


	7. Chapter VII A Contemplating Captive and ...

Merry and Pippin  
Note: Umm, does anybody even read what I write up here? Probably not. Oh well, if somebody chances to glance up here, here's a riddle for you. A dozen royals gathered 'round, Entertained by two who clown. All of them had servants ten, Though none of them were also men. The lowest servant sometimes might Defeat the king in a fair fight. A weapon stout, a priceless jewel, A beat of life, a farmer's tool. What the heck am I talking about?? Review, and I'll tell you the answer next chapter.  
  
~ Chapter VII- A Contemplating Captive and the Cat got away with a Tongue~  
  
Merry watched through the barred window of his cage as Pippin wordlessly sat down a tray laden with food a few feet (or meters, if you're feelin' scientific. I'm not. Stupid biology!!) away. His brother slowly removed the cakes and sweets that littered the tray before placing it within his reach. Pippin quickly glanced around before tossing the delicious looking morsels into a bush. Merry, being, of course, a hobbit, was greatly appalled.  
  
"What are you doing? Are you crazy, Pip?" He cried with dismay. "Is it poisoned, or something?" Pippin didn't speak; he merely shook his head and stared at Merry with piercing eyes.  
  
"Then give it here. I'm starving!" (Merry hadn't eaten in well over an hour, you know.) Merry shivered as he once again caught Pippin's mournful gaze. Why wasn't he talking? Usually the trouble with Pippin was getting him to shut up! It was clear from his expression that he wanted to tell Merry something, so why wasn't he talking? But Pippin just stared with clear blue eyes that were as sad and mysterious as the ocean.  
  
*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^  
  
FIVE DAYS LATER  
  
The sight of his brother enraged Merry. When Pippin wasn't bringing food, he sat silently beside the cage, as if he was guarding his brother. Merry hadn't seen Gollum for three days, when he had found the discarded food in the bush...  
  
TWO DAYS EARLIER  
  
Gollum came out of his mushroom house to check on the fattening process of his next meal. A faint breeze was blowing (a fairly common occurrence in Autumn) and the scent of spoiling desserts was blown to Gollum's super sensitive sniffer. A faint growl emerged from deep within his throat, and he grabbed Pippin in his rage. The voiceless hobbit was dragged into the house. A black eye and many bruises later, the muted halfing limped out. He had tears in his eyes.  
  
TWO DAYS LATER (AGAIN)  
  
After that day, Pippin had quickly devoured all of the food Gollum generously rationed out, with the exception of bread, water, and the mushrooms pulled tight from the witch's house, right in front of him. He gobbled it all up, no matter how Merry protested. He had tried everything he could think of, but nothing stopped the gluttonous Shireling. He remembered the one-sided conversation from yesterday...  
  
{"I can't believe you, you traitor! I'm here because of you! I could have been safely home with Mom, but no! I came after you! And you have the nerve to steal my food! You're no brother of mine! You're nothing but trouble. I bet you're what drove Bilbo over the edge and got us here in the first place! Well, you just see if I ever help you again...}  
  
Yes, it was harsh, hateful even, but hobbits take food very seriously. Merry would have apologized in a second, if Pippin had just said he was sorry. Was the younger hobbit just too ashamed to talk to him? Merry was hungry and mad, and in no mood to think of it at the moment. So instead, his thoughts wondered elsewhere...  
  
*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^  
  
(COOL FLASHBACK-Y TYPE SEQUENCE)  
  
"Merry, come here for a second, please." Arwen called quietly. Both hobbit lads had been playing hard at rock throwing, and little Pippin had curled up under a tree for a nap a few moments ago.  
  
"What is it, Mom?" Merry asked, wondering if he was in trouble.  
  
"I want to tell you something very important, so listen well. Many years ago, when I was living in Rivendell with my father, some very strange things happened. One dark and stormy night, an elderly woman came into Rivendell with an old donkey. She said that her donkey had stepped on a thorn and couldn't carry her to an inn, so she needed a place to whether out the storm until morning. I offered her a place in my house. When morning came and the old woman was getting ready to leave, I went to the donkey and pulled the thorn out of its hoof. As they were heading out, the woman offered to give me a rose for my kindness. It was the only thing of worth she had, and I told her that couldn't accept it. It seemed wrong to take away the only thing she had. I wasn't looking to get paid when I let her stay, and I told her that. She instantly changed into the great Elven sorceress Galadriel, and her donkey into the mighty stead Shadowfax. To repay me, she told me that if I, or any of my decedents, were ever in need, I could call on her for help."  
  
"Wow! So you can call on her any time you want? That's great!" Merry had mused, thinking of all the things he could ask for from the Great Galadriel.  
  
"Oh, no! You must never think that! You can only call upon her one time, and she might not be able to come immediately. And there are things she cannot do. There are limitations to all magic. For one thing, she can't raise the dead, nor kill anyone. And even if she is unable to help you, she is not obliged to come again. Do you understand, Merry?"  
  
"Yes, Mom. Only call her once, might not be able to help. How do you get her to come?"  
  
"There is a spell that she taught me, that will summon her. Now remember, only use it if you are in danger and you are sure that there is NO other way out. Now, the spell goes like this..."  
  
(UN-COOL FLASHBACK-Y TYPE SEQUENCE)  
  
Merry had thought about using the spell, but decided to wait. He could do it later, and another method of escape might present itself. Those types of spells were dreadfully useful to have available, and he wasn't about waste it unnecessarily.  
*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^*^**^^  
  
Pippin watched his brother look onto him with disgust. He met his brother's gaze with an apologetic look. It was the only thing he could do. If only Merry knew how much he wanted to speak, to warn him! But Gollum's spell had taken away his voice for that very reason. Pippin moaned, but no sound came out. He was a captive (he wasn't caged or chained, but he couldn't leave his brother, so the bonds were there just the same), he was scared, and his stomach hadn't ached this much since Uncle Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday. Since he couldn't hide Gollum's food, he had to eat it himself to keep it from Merry. How ironic, that a hobbit would despair because he was forced to eat, but that's what was happening to Pippin. He knew every mouthful brought him closer to death, and every bite he swallowed stuck in his throat. The only thing that kept him from throwing up was that every bite he ate was one less to fatten up Merry. Pippin had decided to save Merry from becoming hobbit-soufflé, even if it cost him his own life in exchange...  
  
_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+_=_+  
  
Bum, bum, buuuuuum! What's gonna happen? You know, when I don't get reviews, I feel sad, and when I feel sad, it makes bad things happen to good characters. Not a good thing, considering the last line of this chapter. So, it would be in your best interest to review, ok? The Moral- When Old people need a place to stay on a dark and stormy night, it's probably in your best interest to be nice.  
  
Never pet a burning dog!! ~Enovajay ethay ategrey iterwray 


	8. Chapter VIII The Sacrifice: Part 1

Merry and Pippin  
  
Note-Yes! Someone read what I wrote up here!! (% Another riddle for you:  
  
With pointed fangs it sits in wait,  
  
with piercing force its doles out fate,  
  
over bloodless victims proclaiming its might,  
  
Eternally joining in a single bite. Don't really have anything else to say right now, so I guess I'll stop procrastinating and start writing the next chapter now.  
~Chapter VIII- The Sacrifice: Part 1 ~  
  
Merry's shrinking stomach growled as he mentally added up the days of captivity. His best guess was that he and his brother had reached the mushroom house thirteen days ago. He had ceased to verbally abuse Pippin for stealing his food five days before, silently accepting the strange occurrence. He was still angry and refused to talk with him (which was just as well, since Pippin still wasn't speaking either), but he no longer yelled at him and glared at him.  
  
'I wonder where Pippin is, anyways. He usually only leaves to get food, or when Gollum calls him in.' Although the older hobbit was still too angry to admit it, he was worried about his little brother. When he finally saw Pippin return a few moments later, he breathed out a relieved breath he hadn't even known he was holding. Merry watched his brother grab a large piece of bark from the surrounding forest. The smaller (and fatter) hobbit bent over the bark for a few minutes. His back was to Merry, so he couldn't see what Pippin was doing. When he turned back around, he looked around suspiciously, as if making sure no one else was watching, before tossing the bark into Merry's cage. Upon examination, Merry found the bark to be written on in barely legible scrawl. It read:  
  
I stole a knife from Gollum's kitchen. We're breaking out of here tonight. I'll come pick the lock at sunset.  
  
"Pip, how are we going to find our way home?" Pippin stood up and got another piece of bark. "Why can't you just tell me, Pip? Why are you writing it?" The next piece of bark was handed to him a moment later.  
  
'I can't talk. Gollum put a spell on me to silence me.'  
  
"Why?"  
  
Another piece of bark: 'So I couldn't tell you his plan. He's going to eat us.'  
  
"WHAT? We've got to get out of here! When is he going to..."? Suddenly Pippin thrust his hand through the bars of the cage and clasped it over Merry's mouth. The hobbit looked up to see Gollum approaching. He looked very hungry. The creature surveyed the scene.  
  
"Precious, why is the hobbit no fatter? We wants him to be juicy sweet!" Gollum whispered.  
  
"Gollum! The little one is nice and big, yessssss. We should eats him, gollum, gollum!" He answered to himself, in a slightly deeper voice.  
  
"Yessss. He looks tasty, precious!" Gollum caught Pippin with his abnormally agile arms and dragged him to the mushroom o' doom (a.k.a. the house). Merry screamed at Gollum.  
  
"NO!! Leave Pippin alone! Take me instead!" But his words had no effect on the thing. He continued towing Pippin along. The younger hobbit didn't even struggle; he only looked at Merry with tear-filled eyes as he tossed the knife to his brother.  
  
@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-  
  
Merry grabbed the knife blade with his bare hand, not even flinching when it pierced his flesh. He shoved it into the cage lock and began twisting it madly about. He had to rescue Pippin! It seemed like an eternity before the lock finally clicked and opened. Merry burst out of the cage like a wild animal and sprinted toward the house. The knife was still clutched in his hand...  
  
@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-  
  
Pippin watched Gollum adding more logs to fire in the huge furnace. If his being eaten gave his brother enough time to escape, he was willing to do it.  
  
'At least this way, one of us will survive.' He thought. He couldn't think of any other way out of it. Strangely enough, he didn't feel scared. The tears he had shed before had been because he was sure he would never see his brother again and because he was worried that something might go wrong with the escape. He had long since dried those tears away. Now he only felt relieved that his brother wasn't going to get eaten. His lack of fear seemed to infuriate Gollum. The creature longed to see his prey cringe.  
  
"Tasty little hobbit. Doesn't it know that it's going to get eaten?" Pippin didn't answer him; he couldn't. When Gollum realized that, he whispered a few words in the tongue of Mordor, and Pippin could speak again.  
  
"I'm not scared. Merry is safe; I don't care what you do to me!"  
  
"Stupid little hobbit! We should cook both hobbitses now. Yesss, make a hobbit stew, gollum! We'll go gets the other Halfling, yes, we will!"  
  
Rage began building up in the Shire lad. There was no way that he was going to let Gollum make a meal out of his brother!  
  
@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-@#-_-  
  
Merry's heart was racing as he reached the door of the house. He flung it open just in time to see his brother yell and push Gollum into the furnace with an amazing burst of strength. However, the hobbit's momentum carried Pippin straight into the fire as well...  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Oh, the suspense!! What's going to happen? Will Gollum and Pippin die? Will they come out with only second and third degree burns? Does Gollum have good life insurance? So many questions! If you wanna know, you'll have to tune in next time. I'll try to get chapter 9 up pretty quick. 


	9. Chapter IX The Sacrifice: Part 2

Merry and Pippin  
Note- Umm, ok. The answer to last chapter's riddle was a stapler. Before that was a deck of cards. Here's an easy one (I'm too lazy to look one up today)  
  
What's brown and sticky?  
  
Like I said, waaaay to easy.  
~Chapter IX- The Sacrifice: Part II~  
Merry felt his the skin of his own hands melting in the flames of Gollum's furnace. He didn't even flinch. His hair was singed from the tremendous heat, and blisters were already beginning to form along his arms. None of that mattered. Merry reached further into the flames until he felt something solid. Even though he felt the pain of a thousand burning needles being thrust into his skin when he attempted to even touch it, he grasped the thing and heaved it out of the fire. The skin was charred, no hair was left, and the body looked burnt beyond repair, but Merry could still recognize his brother.  
  
"Oh, Pippin! I'm so sorry! This wasn't supposed to happen. You aren't supposed to die for me. I'm the one who should be protecting you. I'm so sorry." The young hobbit buried his face into his hands as he broke down into tears. He felt something rough and warm brush his cheek. He glanced up to see Pippin's hand (or what was left of it).  
  
"Pippin! You're alive! There's still a chance!" Merry gently kissed his brother's forehead as he chanted the words to the summoning spell Arwen had taught his an eternity ago. It didn't matter that he'd never be able to use the spell again. It didn't matter that if The Great Galadriel couldn't help, the spell would be wasted. Only one thing mattered: Pippin.  
  
)% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )% )%  
  
The Great Galadriel looked around the small cottage. It had taken her five minutes to arrive, and she saw no signs of Arwen anywhere. Instead, two small hobbits, both looking like they needed severe medical attention, were there on the dusty floor. The well-er looking of the two peered up at her though teary eyes.  
  
"Are you Galadriel the Great?" He asked in a meek voice.  
  
"Are you a friend of Arwen Evenstar?" Galadriel asked skeptically.  
  
"She's our mother." The small hobbit must have noticed her quizzical expression, because he quickly added, "We're adopted."  
  
Galadriel began probing his mind, to see if he really was who he said he was, and to find out what had happened. He didn't try to fight her as she searched his mind.  
  
"I see. Merry of the Shire, There is little I can do for him." Merry buried his head into his hands once again, and felt a stinging wave of tears in his eyes.  
  
"Wait. Do not lose hope. There is little I can do for him, but there is something YOU can do. He is too far gone for me to heal on my own, but if you lend me your energy, we might be able to save him."  
  
"Alright, let's do it!"  
  
"Wait, young one. There are risks. He is very near to death. It could be that no amount of healing will stop him from dying. If I use too much your life energy on him, you might perish. If I try to heal him, it might cost you both of your lives. Your brother sacrificed his life for yours. Will you let that be in vain?"  
  
" If there is even the slightest chance that he will live, than I'll do it. That he was willing to die for me is all the more reason. How could I call myself his brother if I were to do anything less than what he did for me. I don't care how much of my life you have to take, Lady Galadriel. You must save him!" He looked up at her with pleading eyes before setting his gaze onto his charred, unconscious brother.  
  
"Are you absolutely sure?" Galadriel asked, gathering up her magic for the spell. Merry didn't answer. Instead, he slipped his burnt hand into her own smooth, fair one. As she began draining his life-giving energy, she heard him whisper, ' don't worry Pippin. I'll save you.'  
  
~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=~-=  
You know what? I just realized that this story has kind of gotten off the humor genre just a tad. Don't worry, I'll get it back on track soon enough. The angsty sacrificing is almost at its end. The moral of chapter IX- those favors from famous magical people can really come in handy.  
  
Yeah, I forgot to put the moral up for chapter 8, so I'll do that now too- Never try to cook a hobbit; they love food, but not THAT much. 


	10. Chapter X The Dirty yet Handsome King

Merry and Pippin  
Note- Ok, I'll warn you, this chapter is focuses mostly on everyone's favorite elf and king. It also has a bunch of Disney stuff (which I don't own), and will hopefully be more humorous than the last couple of chapters (but I can't make any promises). Sorry that it's taken so long to update. The last riddle was a stick, and I can't think of another one right about now. That's about all that I can think to say, so here's chapter ten.  
~Chapter X- Enter the Dirty yet Handsome King~  
"A plague on all dragons!! How is it that the ONE time you need them, they're all slain?" mumbled the high king of Gondor from the seat of his horse.  
  
"What was that, Aragorn?" asked Legolas, the Prince of Mirkwood and Aragorn's Lord Protector and best friend.  
  
"Dragons!" Aragorn repeated louder, although he knew his friend's elven ears could hear him perfectly. He head only asked because he wasn't sure of the meaning of his words. "Finding a bride used to be so simple! You'd put on your shining armor and go slay a dragon and you'd have the perfect queen waiting for you in the highest tower."  
  
"I'm sure that those knights from the olden days would've gladly traded places with you. This won't be so bad. See, Gandalf even made a list of all the eligible princesses around. All we have to do is visit them and see which one you like the best..."  
  
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~  
  
Pippin awoke late in the afternoon. He felt around blindly (he still hadn't opened his eyes yet) for a pillow to cover his ears and block out the noise.  
  
'Stupid birds. Why can't they eat the house quieter?' he mumbled. A few seconds later.  
  
'Eat the house?' Suddenly, Pippin's tired little mind was racing. He remembered everything. Everthing: getting lost in the woods, the lembas, the mushrooms, the furnace, Galadriel (yes, he remembered the sorceress, although he wasn't sure how, considering he had been half-dead), Merry.  
  
"Merry!" Pippin jumped up to his furry feet and saw his brother lying on the floor. Pippin rushed to his side and called his name. No response. He shook his brother with all his might, but nothing happened. He kneeled down beside him and tried to recall the words to a spell he had never learned so that perhaps Galadriel would take mercy on him and come and save his brother. No one came. A silver tear ran down the younger hobbit's face as he finally realized how much his brother had given to him. And as the tear, filled with Pippin's sorrow and love and despair touched the skin of his brother, Meriadoc awoke.  
  
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~  
  
"Aragorn? Aragorn, look, I'm sorry." Legolas called to his friend, who had ridden ahead. The ranger turned king just grunted. "It's not MY fault that that these princesses haven't turned out like we hoped."  
  
Aragorn stopped his horse long enough for the elvish prince to catch up.  
  
"I know. But, but, she was an ANIMAL. Why would Gandalf even put her on the list?" Aragorn asked, having just come out of Sherwood Forest.  
  
"Well, he did write on here that she was a real fox. I just didn't know he meant that LITERALLY." Legolas chuckled. It had almost been worth the disappointment to see Aragorn's face when he saw Maid Marian.  
  
"Who's next on the list?" Aragorn asked, trying to suppress a smile. Laughter, after all, is a very contagious thing.  
  
"Let's see. ' Pocahontas: an outdoorsy girl."  
  
"Sounds good so far." Aragorn admitted. Maybe she would be the one to understand his love of being a ranger. Legolas continued reading.  
  
" 'Her hobbies include talking to trees ("I didn't know there were ents in her part of the world, Legolas." "Quit interrupting!"), painting with all the colors of the wind ("The wind looks pretty transparent to me. Legolas, do your elven eyes see any color in it?" "NO! Just be QUIET!"), talking to cute furry woodland creatures, and jumping off of cliffs.'"  
  
"Ummm, how about we skip Pocahontas for now, I'm not sure that Gondor needs a suicidal queen, especially so soon after the whole Denethor episode."  
  
"Next is.Oh, Aragorn, listen to this! 'A beautiful maiden that lives with seven dwarves.' Ha-ha, it seems that they all praise her beauty."  
  
"No thanks. Knowing dwarves standards of beauty, she probably has a beard! Who else is on the list?"  
  
" 'Cinderella'. Wait, she's already taken."  
  
"Really? How? I thought she ran away from every ball, and no prince could ever catch her to profess his love."  
  
"I heard about it while you were talking to the fox. She danced so much in those glass slippers that she got blisters all over her feet. When midnight came, she couldn't run away. Rumor is that she's getting married next month."  
  
"Alright. Who does that leave?"  
  
"Just one. 'An Arabian princess who loves dressing like a peasant and playing with her tiger.' Sounds .interesting. And there's a note from Gandalf that you might want to read."  
  
"What does it say?"  
  
Legolas looked at the list. Down below all of the descriptions was the note. It read:  
  
'Aragorn,  
  
I got a visit from an old friend of mine, who goes by the name Galadriel. She said that if you are having trouble in your search, you should try looking in the Shire. She won't say anything else about it, but she's very insistent that you should visit the Shire. Good luck.  
  
~Gandalf'  
  
"Why does he always have to speak in riddles? Oh, what I wouldn't give for just ONE dragon!!" Aragorn shouted. Legolas just rolled his eyes and continued riding.  
  
*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^!*^  
Moral- Dragons aren't always bad. I promise next chapter will have more Merry and Pippin (and some other favorite LOTR characters, although I won't say anything more about them. I don't want to spoil it). A few math equations for you:  
  
Story+ REVIEW = STORY UPDATED QUICKLY STORY+ NO REVIEW= LONG TIME BEFORE NEXT UPDATE REVIEW= HAPPY AUTHORESS HAPPY AUTHORESS= HAPPY STORY 


	11. Chapter XI The Protectors of Trees and R...

Merry and Pippin  
  
Note: Ok, just to let you know, Legolas and Aragorn visited more than just the princess people that I mentioned last chapter. I skipped down the list some, but I'm going throw in some references to some other ones as well. So don't yell at me because I didn't have them before.  
~Chapter XI- Protectors of Trees and Rocks~  
Merry opened his eyes to see his brother hovering over him.  
  
Pippin, you're all right!  
  
"Merry, you're all right!" they both shouted simultaneously. The two brothers hugged, and Merry wiped the tears away from Pippin's eyes. After a few moments of silence, both hobbit lads stood up. For the first time, they noticed a scrap of paper lying on Gollum's table. It read:  
' Dear Merry and Pippin, The spell was a success, as you have doubtlessly noticed. It will probably be springtime before you get this; I had to put a sleeping spell on you to make sure you rested until you regained your energy. Don't worry about finding your way back home- you'll find that friends are nearer than you think.  
  
~Galadriel  
  
P.S. Tell Arwen hello for me.  
  
P.P.S.-You might want to stay away from Fairytale Lane. It's rather frightening, to be frank, and you've been through enough as it is.'  
  
"Well, Pip, shall we get started?" Merry asked.  
  
"Of course, Merry! After we get a bite to eat." Pippin stated, staying true to his hobbit-ity. "My sentiments exactly!"  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
"Remind me why I want to get married again, Legolas." Legolas sighed.  
  
"Three reasons, Aragorn. We've been through this already. One: You need a wife. Look at you! You're a king, and you're dirty and sweating and running all over the country. Maybe a woman can get you to settle down some, or at least bathe. You look terri."  
  
"Hey! It's not my fault I don't like bathing. You wouldn't be so keen on it either, if you had had the experiences I've had. Last time I went into a river, I came out half dead and even dirtier than I was went in."  
  
"Aragorn, it doesn't count as bathing when a warg drags you off of a cliff and into the water."  
  
"Well, it wouldn't have happened if SOMEONE had been there to help me!"  
  
"I APOLOGIZED FOR THAT ALL READY!" Legolas yelled, finally losing his composure. Why did Aragorn have to keep bringing that up! "Aragorn," he said, calming down some, "bringing that up isn't going to get you out of finding a queen."  
  
'Drat!' thought the king. 'I almost had him there!'  
  
"Even if you don't get married for yourself, there's still reasons two and three. Reason number two: Gondor needs a queen. The people need a role model, a motherly figure that they can take pride in."  
  
"The people have gone without a queen for years, and they've been perfectly fine." Stated Aragorn, though anyone could see he was weakening in his argument. He could be stubborn about personal issues, but he always put his kingdom before himself. True, he had been reluctant to take the position as king, but now that he had it, he took it very seriously.  
  
Even though Aragorn wanted the best for his people, Legolas knew better than anyone else that it would take more than that to get his best friend to settle down. He got ready to use his ace-in-the-hole, the one thing that could truly convince Aragorn that he needed to wed. Frodo. Aragorn's heir and adopted hobbit son. Though they had no blood relation, no father could have loved a son more that the king loved Frodo. Aragorn had always given Frodo everything he could. No matter what was going on in Gondor, he always made time for his son. Aragorn had provided the hobbit with everything he could ever want, but he couldn't give the lad the one thing he truly lacked.  
  
"Frodo needs a mother." The third argument. In truth, Legolas could have skipped the other two reasons. Frodo was enough.  
  
Aragorn sighed. "Ok, mellon, you win. But how are we going to find a good queen. You have to admit, these ones we've seen so far are strange."  
  
Aragorn remembered the interview with the Arabian girl.  
  
~~Cool Flashback-y Type Sequence~~  
  
"So," said the girl with a chipper voice. "You're not REALLY a king, are you? You're a street boy dressed up as royalty, right?"  
  
"Actually, I am the High King of Gondor." Aragorn told her, sounding a tad bit confused.  
  
"Oh." Was all she said. Her eyes flashed disappointment, and considering they took up half of the surface area on her face, it was quite obvious.  
  
"Is that your genie?" Jasmine asked as she pointed to Legolas.  
  
"What!" shouted Legolas angrily. "I'll have you know, I'm an elf! And not just any elf, either. I'm a PRINCE of Mirkwood. And I in NO way resemble any type of genie!" With that outburst, Legolas stormed out of the palace in Agraba. Who said elves couldn't be as stiff-necked as dwarves at times?  
  
Aragorn made his exit a few moments later, after Jasmine asked if she minded having his pants chewed on by her pet tiger. Aragorn just smiled and nodded and high-tailed it out of there. It was very apparent that looks aren't everything, and that that Jasmine character was just a few sand grains short of a desert, if you know what I mean.  
  
~~Un-Cool Flashback-y Type Sequence~~  
  
Needless to say, the two royal friends were now headed toward the Shire.  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Merry and Pippin wondered through the woods, bellies filled with mushroom doorframes and bits of mushroom walls. They had absolutely no idea where they were going, so they decided to use their tracking skills.  
  
"See the moss on that tree, Pip. That way's north."  
  
"Which direction are we trying to go in, Merry?"  
  
"I'm not sure."  
  
"Great. Why don't we climb one of these trees and see if we see anything familiar." Pippin suggested. The two young hobbits scrambled up the tree. They looked around to see. Nothing!  
  
"Where are those friends Galadriel said were near?" the younger hobbit asked.  
  
"Hey! Is anyone out there? We need your help!" Merry called into the wilderness.  
  
"Welcome, young Halflings. Haroomm, haroomm." Boomed a deep voice underneath them.  
  
Now, Merry and Pippin often used to say in just that the only things in the Shire were trees and rocks. Now, this is not entirely true. Along with trees and rocks come things to protect them. Merry and Pippin just happened to find themselves climbing onto the head of one of the cellulose-filled champions of the trees. Over all, they overcame the initial shock of the situation rather well.  
  
"It. it. it's.t-t-talking, Mer-mer-merry!"  
  
"Let's get out of here, Pip!"  
  
"Now young hobbits," said Treebeard, lord of the ents, slowly, as he scooped up two very frightened Shirelings with his branchlike hands, "Don't be hasty! I am Treebeard, and I have come to help you."  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
The high king of Gondor was lost in thought. What if he couldn't find a bride in the Shire? He really didn't want to marry the candidates he had seen so far. He supposed that if he had to choose any, it would be the famed 'sleeping beauty'. As far as he knew, she was indeed humanoid (a few of the princesses weren't, to Aragorn's dismay), and had no odd personality quirks. However, there was one major drawback-the spell. She was under an enchantment to sleep until kissed by her true love. How could she love Aragorn if she'd never met him? And a queen that was magicked asleep wouldn't solve any of his problems. Aragorn found himself despairing as he remembered the bachelorette he thought second only to the fox-Ariel.  
  
~~ Second Cool Flashback-y Type Sequence~~  
  
" You know, Aragorn, you really need to lighten up more."  
  
"Legolas, did you not see her? She was a FISH!"  
  
"Mermaid, actually."  
  
"Whatever! The point is, people and mermaid/fish people DON'T get married."  
  
"Yes, I suppose it wouldn't work. I mean, there's not an ocean within a fifty mile radius of Gondor, and they say those long distance relationships never work out." Legolas joked with a chuckle.  
  
"Is this all a big game to you, elf? Does my torment amuse you?"  
  
"This wouldn't be so bad if you had a better attitude about it."  
  
~~Un-Second Cool Flashback-y Type Sequence~~  
  
Aragorn had tried to enjoy the trip, he really had. But there was a fear growing in his mind. How could he be sure that when (of if) he found his bride, she would love him for who he was? There were many maidens who would doubtlessly pretend to care for Aragorn to get a place on the throne. Would his future wife love Aragorn the man or Aragorn the king? How he despised his title! And how he despised dragons, for abandoning his at his time of need!  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
"So, Treebeard, did Lady Galadriel ask you to help us?" Merry asked from his perch on the ent's broad shoulders. Pippin was still a bit scared, and had been uncharacteristically silent as Treebeard carried them through the woods. He said he was counting ent-strides, but Merry knew he was really frightened.  
  
"Yes, she asked, but I would have helped anyways. I've been watching you young lads for many years now."  
  
"Why? I mean, why would you help us?" Merry remembered all the branched that had broken off of trees that he and Pippin had climbed. Visions of his brother and himself throwing rocks at trees danced in his head.  
  
" You've always cared for the trees. True, you have been a bit rough with them at times, but you make the trees feel like they are appreciated. Especially you, little one." Treebeard said gently, pointing a twiggy finger at Pippin.  
  
"Wh-what?" the poor hobbit stuttered.  
  
"Ah, yes, ho hum. I saw you carrying huge buckets of water from the river so all of the thirsty trees could drink during the bad drought two years ago. The trees were very thankful. They don't have voices that other creatures can understand, so they are often overlooked. It is a rare thing to find someone who truly cares for the trees. I have been on your side because you have been on my side."  
  
Pippin smiled, and didn't look quite so afraid anymore. The great branch hands reached up and lifted the hobbits to the ground. There was a winding path, with a fork in the middle.  
  
"I will go no further than this today, little hobbits. I have trees to attend to in the north part of the forest, and you are headed south. I've asked the trees to guide you. Follow the path, and look to the trees for guidance if you get lost. And don't go on Fairy Tale Land; strange folk travel that road. Farewell!"  
  
"Ha! I know we were going south!"  
  
"No you didn't, Meriadoc!"  
  
The two hobbits stared down the path. There was a tree in the middle of where the path branched off into two directions. Merry stepped up to it.  
  
"Excuse me? Do you know which path leads back to Bag End?" he asked politely. One of the roots that had been sticking up out of the ground just a little broke free of the soil completely and pointed left.  
  
"Thank you!" Merry called, as the brothers headed down the left path.  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Merry and Pippin were completely and utterly stumped. They had followed the path, asking trees for directions when they needed them. (A/N- some of you might think that it's impossible for them to ask for directions, because they're male, but they're hobbits, not humans. Also, if any guys happen to read this-see, stopping and asking for directions isn't that hard.). Some trees had pointed their branched in the right directions. Others used their roots. One particularly nice apple tree had dropped two ripe apples down on the correct path, much to the joy of the Halflings. But now there weren't any more trees. There was a river.  
  
HaHHH "How are we supposed to get across this?" Pippin asked, falling back onto his habit of asking questions that really didn't need to be voiced.  
  
"Never fear, lads!" came a deep, rumbling voice from behind. It almost sounded like Treebeard, but when they turned around, they saw a much different figure- a dwarf.  
  
"My name is Gimli. And to answer your question, you won't be going across it; we're going under it."  
  
Although a bit gruff, Gilmi seemed to be friendly enough, so Merry and Pippin followed him. He whispered the password to a stone, which opened to reveal a dark stone tunnel. Sure enough, it led downward, under the raging river. The three short beings descended the damp corridor of the underground bridge.  
  
"Did Lady Galadriel ask you to come and bring us under the river?" inquired Pippin with his usual, insatiable curiosity.  
  
"She did. She even offered to repay me with a lock of her hair. *sigh* I count myself blessed to be able to serve her, she who is fairest of all. But I would have helped you even if SHE hadn't asked."  
  
"Really?" asked Merry, also curious.  
  
"Yes, Merry. I've seen you collecting rocks before, although you never saw me. One so young usually isn't able to appreciate the beauty of a stone. You are a jewel among hobbits."  
  
Merry blushed at the complement. Yes, he loved looking for pretty rocks, but he had never been called a jewel for it. "I don't really. I mean.I don't.I'm not really anything special. I just pick up stones that I like."  
  
"Well take this one too." Gimli said, handing him a smooth brown stone. He slipped a similar one into Pippin's hands. Both were carved into the shape of a mushroom.  
  
"Thank you, Gimli." They both said. The end of the tunnel was near, and both hobbits blinked from the bright light.  
  
"Goodbye, hobbits. You should be able to find your way from here. There's only one more fork in the road, and both ways will get you back to Bag End. The path to the right takes longer, and it had some pretty tough terrain. The left path is shorter and easier, but I strongly advise you to go to the right."  
  
"Why? What's to the left?" Pippin had to ask.  
  
"The left path leads to Fairy Tale Lane."  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
Don, don, don! Ahhhh! Fairy Tale Lane! Moral of Chapter 11- Respect nature, and it will respect you.  
  
Sorry it took so long to get this up. This is my longest chapter yet, and it took a while to type. Anyways, I've been brainstorming a new story for when I finish this one. What would you people say to a LOTR version of Snow White and the 7 dwarves? Tell me in your reviews (yes, review, so you can find out about FAIRY TALE LANE quicker. And get this-I am going to go against my nature and put in some romance between a certain king and a certain she-elf.)  
  
Remember kiddies: Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Outlet can't be friends. If someone gets electrocuted, they can't review!  
  
~Jenova 


	12. Chapter XII A Stroll Down Fairy Tale Lan...

Merry and Pippin  
Note: Sorry this has taken so long, everybody. I just want to say that A LOT of random Disney (and a few other) fairy tale people show up in this chappy, so I just want to remind you that I don't own any of them. I warn you that this chapter also contains crazy princesses, wooden boys, and an enraged Legolas, so be afraid. Very afraid. Now sit back, read and review!!  
~Chapter XII- A Stroll Down Fairy Tale Lane~  
  
"So, Pip, what do you say? Left path, or right?" Merry asked. There was a mischievous hobbit grin on his face.  
  
"I don't know. I mean, everyone's told us to go right, but I just want to get back to Bag End as soon as I can."  
  
"Then let's go left. They said it isn't dangerous, after all."  
  
"Alright." Said Pippin. They started down the left path. It wasn't long before they found themselves surrounded by trees. Birds were singing all around, and cute furry wood animals were scurrying about every which way.  
  
"It's a pity we don't have any 'taters." Sighed Pippin, as he looked longingly at a brace of plump, furry bunnies that rested along the path.  
  
"Yes," agreed Merry, " some Coney stew would really hit the spot right about now." Remember, these two growing hobbits hadn't eaten in almost an hour, and it was almost time for second breakfast. The two Halflings walked on. Very soon, they encountered a small wooden boy walking aimlessly down the path.  
  
"Hello." It said, as it's knobby knees clanked together. "Are you real boys?"  
  
"Umm, no." Merry answered, thinking the boy more than a bit strange. "We're hobbits."  
  
"Really? My name's Pinocchio, and I am a real boy." His stubby wooden nose began to grow. This must have been a regular occurrence, because the puppet boy didn't look at all surprised. He merely pulled out a pocketknife and began to whittle his nose back down to normal size. Merry and Pippin walked a head, going just a little bit faster than they had before. I can't say that I blame them, either.  
  
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Aragorn stared at the sign, confused and bewildered. It just didn't make sense.  
  
'Welcome to the Shire: Population 6 and ½ [Aragorn could see the sign had previously read '7 and ½', but had been scratched out] and still growing'. It read.  
  
"How in Middle Earth can this place have HALF of a person?"  
  
"Hmm," Legolas said, looking like he was deep in thought. "Oh! I know. I remember coming here once before. There's an orc here that fought in the war. He lost a couple limbs." Sure enough, an orc hobbled out of the woods and waved at them with the remains of his right arm. One leg was missing, the other ended at the knee. He also lacked a second arm, an ear, and a good portion of his nose. The two royal friends kept silent until the orc was out of earshot.  
  
"Umm, anyways. . . why did you come here before, Legolas?" Aragorn asked, trying to fill the awkward silence.  
  
Legolas blushed. He mumbled something incoherently.  
  
"What was that, Legolas?"  
  
"Iwentofairytanelane."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I WENT TO FAIRY TALE LANE!" he shouted. Aragorn shuddered. He had never heard of The Shire before his bride hunting began, but he had heard of the feared Fairy Tale Lane. Some people said that they would rather face the Path of the Dead.  
  
"Why ever did you go there?" Legolas blushed once more.  
  
"Well. . . I went because I heard that there was a girl with hair that was long enough to reach the ground from the tallest tower. I thought she might have some good tips on how to take care of a bad hair day (not that I ever have any)."  
  
Aragorn tried without success to hold in the laughter. "She must use more shampoo that you do, Legolas! And what is it with elves and hair? You went to one of the most feared places in Middle Earth to get advice on HAIR?" Aragorn laughed again. Apparently, the combination of his stress from trying to find a wife and the hilarity of Legolas' story had made him forget the most important rule in Middle Earth. I'm going to go ahead and give you the moral. If you don't get anything else out of this, remember: NEVER MAKE FUN OF AN ELF'S HAIR IF YOU HAVE ANY DESIRE WHATSOEVER TO LIVE.  
  
Legolas's fair face was clouded with rage. When Aragorn turned and saw the evil look on his friend's face, he was terrified.  
  
"Run, Hasufel!" He urged his horse. But it was too late. The elf leaped from his own horse, Arod, and tackled Aragorn. And don't be fooled by the slender appearance. Legolas is very strong. The last thing Aragorn saw was an infuriated Legolas binding his arms and legs with elvin rope before hi temporarily blacked out.  
  
()_() ()_() ()_() ()_() ()_() ()_() ()_() ()_() ()_() ()_() ()_() ()_() ()_() ()_()  
  
Merry and Pippin were scared. The further down the path they went, the weirder things got. They had already seen a small boy (who was wearing only a red Speedo-thing) dancing with a singing bear, an enstranged white rabbit (who was apparently late for a very important date), and a flying oliphaunt (they had both seen a house fly, and a horse fly, but neither Shire Lad had ever seen an oliphaunt fly). Now, as they looked into the clear blue sky, they saw a green-clad boy zoom overhead.  
  
"Hello! My name is Peter!" He said in a chipper voice. "Would you like to fly? It's easy! All you have to do is think of a happy thought!" He flew off.  
  
"A happy thought, huh? Getting home!" said Merry. However, with the absence on pixie-dust, which Peter had carelessly forgotten, the hobbit stayed firmly on the ground.  
  
"I'd just be happy to get OFF of this road!" Pippin said. "We'll get home eventually."  
  
"OH! You are looking to get home!" cried a bird with a French* accent. "I know a wonderful song that will help you!  
  
You're sure to do impossible things,  
  
If you follow your heart!  
  
Your dreams will fly on magical wings,  
  
If you follow your heart!  
  
North or South or East or West,  
  
Where to point your shoes?  
  
Which direction is the best?  
  
If the choosing gets confusing,  
  
Maybe it's the map you're using!  
  
You don't need a star to guide you!  
  
Close you eyes and look INSIDE you!"  
  
"If only we had some arrows!" lamented Pippin as the two brothers ran away from the crazy bird. Unfortunately, in their haste, they ran off of the path a bit, and stumbled onto two willow trees that were engaged in conversation.  
  
"What's wrong, dear?" asked the first willow, who had the voice and face of an old Native American woman. She wrapped her vines around the second willow tenderly, in a sort of tree-hug.  
  
"That stupid Bombadil fellow ruined my entire day!" replied the second tree. "First, he sings that annoying 'Hey dol, merry dol, ring a dong dillo' song, then he made me release the trespassers that I caught, and then he called me OLD MAN WILLOW! Do you know how HURTFUL that is! I'm not OLD, and I'm definitely NOT a man! I'm a willow, gosh darn it, and I'm proud of it!"  
  
"Oh, I know how you feel, dear. Do you think I like being called Grandmother Willow by that strange little Indian girl? It's not like I'm even HER grandmother. Young people have no respect these days!" The two trees nodded in agreement, before sharing a tree-ish kiss.  
  
"EWWW!" shrieked Merry from the bush that the two hobbits had hid themselves behind.  
  
"Gross!" Agreed Pippin. "Let's get out of here!" And they did.  
  
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When Aragorn finally regained consciousness, he found himself dangling upside down from a tree. Legolas was nowhere in site, and the ranger thought himself blessed for that. He began working the knots that bound him loose. He knew he needed to be hasty. The blood would start rushing to his head soon, and he had had bad experiences before. This wasn't the first time he had insulted his elvin friend's hair.  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas had found a stream nearby and was bathing. He knew he needed to calm down, and washing his hair always removed his stress. He couldn't help but think about his visit to Rapunzel.  
  
~Cool Flashback-y Type Sequence~  
  
"Hello? Is anyone up there?" Legolas called. He stood before the door less tower that was rumored to house the beautiful maiden with the long, golden hair.  
  
"I'm here!" called a sweet voice. A face appeared in the window high above the elf's head. "I'm Rapunzel."  
  
"And I am Legolas Greenleaf. I came here to seek your advice on hair." He shouted to Rapunzel.  
  
"Why don't you come up here and we'll talk?"  
  
"That would be great! But how do I get up there? I don't see a door, or any stairs!" Legolas was very curious about how he would reach the woman. Suddenly, her long hair cascaded down, glimmering in the sun. Legolas was transfixed.  
  
"Here you go! Just climb on up!" Legolas paled.  
  
"You want me to climb up your HAIR!" He felt like he could faint. She wanted him to put his feet in her hair, to climb up it. That would get it dirty and tangled, and doubtlessly hurt her. He wasn't so sure that this was the person he wanted to get hair advice from.  
  
"I think I'll just pass." He said. He was sure he was going to be sick.  
  
"Must be afraid of heights." Rapunzel murmured to herself as the elf quickly left.  
  
~Un-Cool Flashback-y Type Sequence~  
  
Legolas carefully rinsed the shampoo from his hair. He knew he shouldn't have been so hard on Aragorn. They were both very stressed out.  
  
"Why couldn't he have just married Eowyn?" Legolas asked himself.  
  
"There are a number of reasons, Legolas." Answered Aragorn, who had freed himself and snuck up on the unsuspecting elf.  
  
"She seems so perfect for you, Estel. She's smart, beautiful, strong, independent, and she's falling all over herself to get you to notice her. What's not to like about her?"  
  
"I like her well enough, friend. But I don't love her. Faramir does."  
  
Legolas sighed and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like 'you outrank him, who cares what he thinks.'  
  
"Legolas." Aragorn said sternly. "Faramir loves her. And I'm sure that when she gets over this infatuation with me, she'll realize that she loves him too. In fact, I'm willing to bet that they'll be engaged by the time we get back to Gondor."  
  
A mischievous smirk spread across the archer's face. "How much?"  
  
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"Merry. We have to stop. I'm sooo tired." Pippin wailed. Merry was tired as well, but he wanted to get out of the Fairy Tale neck of the woods as quickly as possible. He considered for a moment.  
  
"Alright. That clearing looks pretty safe. We'll go rest there for a while."  
  
The two hobbits sat down under a tree. Soon, large amounts of furry woodland creatures began gathering nearby.  
  
"Is everyone here?" asked a bossy sounding squirrel. A chipmunk saluted it, so the squirrel continued talking.  
  
"I'd like to welcome everyone to the Cute Furry Woodland Creature Union meeting. I think I speak for everyone here when I say I'm tired of always being in the background of these movies!"  
  
'Merry, what's a movie?' Pippin whispered.  
  
"Hear, hear!" shouted the other animals.  
  
"I'm tired of letting some ditsy princess steal the spotlight while I'm the one making the setting so cute."  
  
"Yes!" shouted the animals again.  
  
" I've dedicated my whole life to this job, and have I ever gotten a lead role?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"We have!" shouted a painfully naïve little deer, who had just walked in with a rabbit and a skunk. The other animals began to glare daggers at the trio, who finally got the impression that they weren't wanted there and left the meeting. The squirrel continued.  
  
"We've got to fight for our rights as adorable woodland creatures. Are you with me, yay or nay?  
  
"Yay!"  
  
Merry and Pippin were quite frightened by how violent and assertive the little bunnies and chipmunks were getting. They decided that they didn't need any more rest when the leader squirrel suggested violent protests to get better roles in 'movies' and good dental insurance.  
  
There was a sigh of relief as both Shirelings saw the end of the path nearing. They were almost free! Key word- almost. A little girl in a checkered blue dress and a picnic basket stopped them.  
  
"Are you munchkins?" she asked enthusiastically.  
  
"No, we're hobbits. And if you'll excuse us, we'll be going home now." Pippin answered for the both of them.  
  
"Oh, I know how to get home! Just tap your heels together three times and say 'there's no place like home'."  
  
"I think we'll just stick to our way, if that's alright with you." Said Merry. He eyed the girl's picnic basket hungrily. His fear of these weird people didn't go as far as to refuse food from them. Suddenly, the basket popped open, and a little dog's head peeked out. Merry's eyes widened. Pippin screamed in horror. Both hobbits ran off, leaving a very confused girl and her dog in their dust.  
  
"Pippin?" Merry asked, panting from their sprint. They had done it! There had finally reached the end of Fairy Tale Lane.  
  
"What Merry?"  
  
"I don't think I could ever be THAT hungry!" Merry wondered why such an innocent looking girl would want to eat a dog.  
  
"I don't think so either. But look Merry! We're almost home!"  
  
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This chapter has two main morals: Stay away from Fairy Tale Lane, and of course NEVER MAKE FUN OF AN ELF'S HAIR.  
  
Do you have any suggestions? Next chapter, the hobbits (quite literally) run into Aragorn and Legolas. (Oh, gasp of excitement!) And I think I've discovered a new romantic couple- Grandmother and Old Man Willow! It's a match made in heaven!  
  
  
  
*At least, a French accent defined by American T.V. 


	13. Chapter XIII Glad I Ran into You

Merry and Pippin  
  
Note: This is just a bit of a warning. After this chapter, I'm going to go against my nature and write a bit of a romance, so beware. AND, for those of you who didn't know, the scary French Bird who sang the scary song was from Disney's version of Thumbelina.  
  
~Chapter XIII- Glad I Ran into You~  
  
"Look, Merry! We're almost home!" Shouted Pippin excitedly. It was true. The two brothers had finally reached a familiar part of the forest. Both knew that Bag End was almost in reach.  
  
"I'll race you home, Pip!" said Merry jovially.  
  
"On your mark. . ., get set . . . GO!" Pippin said, as they started running as fast as their little furry feet could take them.  
  
-AT THAT VERY MOMENT-  
  
"How much?" asked Legolas.  
  
Aragorn finished loading up his gear onto his horse before he spoke.  
  
"I'll bet you five hundred gold-*CRASH*"  
  
Aragorn was cut off as two racing hobbits came around a bend in the road and smashed into him. Legolas couldn't suppress his laughter as he saw the king of Gondor sprawled out on the ground, with two tiny Shirelings standing over him.  
  
"Oh, we're very sorry, sir!" Merry proclaimed quickly, as he offered a hand to help the victim to his feet.  
  
"We were having a race, and we didn't see you." Added Pippin, as he also extended a hand to the stranger. Both Halflings pulled as hard as they could to get Aragorn back into a standing position.  
  
"It's alright. I'm not hurt." Aragorn told them, as he dusted himself off.  
  
Both hobbits were relieved. Now that they were sure they hadn't hurt this big person (who was the most normal person they had seen in quite a while), they decided introductions were in order.  
  
"My name is Meriadoc, and this is my brother, Peregrin." Began Merry.  
  
"But you can call us Merry and Pippin. Who are you, and what brings you to the Shire?"  
  
))))))))))))))))  
  
Arwen Evenstar wiped crystal clear tears from her immortal eyes as she packed her pots and pans and other assorted cooking gear into boxes. She carefully traced a dent on a small soup pot with her fingers. Pippin had made that dent when he had dropped the pot while trying to make breakfast in bed for her. She carefully wrapped it in cloth and laid it into the box.  
  
"Oh! Here's the cup Merry carved for me for my nine hundredth birthday!" Arwen gently turned the rough wooden vessel in her hands. Why couldn't she see anything without being reminded of her lost hobbit-sons?  
  
"They've been gone for months." Arwen told herself, as she had since she first decided to leave Bag End. Too many memories haunted the old hole. "They aren't coming back."  
  
The cooking gear was all she had left to pack before she could leave the Shire for good. She had hoped to get everything packed up in the wagon and be gone before sunset, but if she kept crying over every pan she packed, she would be late. Arwen dried her eyes and packed the cup. She WOULD be gone before sunset!  
  
))))))))))))))))  
  
"Are you REALLY the KING of Gondor?" Pippin asked incredulously.  
  
"Yes Pippin, I am. And Legolas REALLY is the prince of Mirkwood, too." Aragorn said. "And I'm here to find a queen. Do you boys know if there are any young women of noble birth living around here?"  
  
"Well," Merry said, pondering. "The only woman who lives in the Shire that I know of is my mom."  
  
Aragorn and Legolas exchanged glances. This adventure was really turning out to be a wild goose chase. They had come all the way to the Shire, and the only female there was a hobbit-mother.  
  
"Maybe mom knows of someone else." Suggested Pippin. Being a young hobbit, he believed that his mother was omnificent and all-powerful. "You should come with us and ask her!"  
  
Aragorn wasn't very sure of the idea, but he didn't see any harm in it. Anyways, he did want to make sure that the two young hobbits got home safely. They had told him their story, and though he had only known them for a short while, he felt protective of them. Merry and Pippin reminded him of his own hobbit son, Frodo.  
  
"Alright. We'll go ask your mother for help. Here, you two can ride on Hasufel with me. It'll be faster." The king of Gondor helped the two lads get up on his horse, before climbing on himself. Legolas mounted his own bareback steed, and the four companions rode off.  
  
Pippin's infamous curiosity struck.  
  
"Aragorn. How long will it be before we get home?"  
  
"We should be there a little after sunset."  
  
))))))))))))))))  
  
Arwen loaded the final box onto her cart. The sun was just starting to set in the sky.  
  
"I suppose I should be going now." She sighed. "But what if they come back, and I'm not here?" The she-elf thought about using the spell Galadriel had taught her, but decided against it. If Merry and Pippin were still alive, they might need to use it. If they weren't, well, then there was no use for it anyways.  
  
"No. I have to go. I die every time I wake up and find that their rooms are still empty. I'm going to go to a place with no pain, no loss." (A/N: Arwen's not suicidal; she's going to the Grey Havens)  
  
Arwen hooked the harness of her horse to her wagon. She sat down in the driver's seat and took the reins. Her eyes were brimming with tears she refused to shed.  
  
"Sometimes I think I can still hear their little voices." She whispered. Sure enough, in her mind, she heard the echoes of her children singing one of the travel songs Bilbo had taught them. She whispered in elvish for her horse to go. It started trotting down the path, pulling Arwen away from Bag End. She couldn't help but take one last look at her house. She turned around in her seat. In the sun's last fading light, Arwen saw shadowy figures coming toward her hobbit hole from the other direction. By some strange sixth sense that only mothers possess, Arwen knew who they were. She turned her horse around, but since it was attached to a cart and couldn't go very fast, the she-elf left off and ran full speed towards her long lost sons.  
  
"Merry! Pippin!" She cried. As soon as the hobbits heard her voice, they jumped off of Aragorn's horse, mimicking their mother's movements. When they finally reached each other, there was much hugging, kissing, and general rejoicing.  
  
"My boys! Oh, I missed you so much!"  
  
"Mom, we're so glad we found you!"  
  
And as Arwen, Merry, and Pippin all hugged and wept, Aragorn son of Arathorn stared at Arwen Evenstar, transfixed. The only intelligent thought he could muster from his suddenly blank mind was: 'Maybe I don't need a dragon after all.'  
  
))))))))))))))))  
  
Moral of chapter 13- Before you start running down a road, make sure that you look ahead of you to make sure you're not gonna run into anyone.  
  
Like it? 


	14. Chapter XIV Gondor Bound

Merry and Pippin  
  
Note: Yes, I know it's been forever since my last update, and I'm sorry. But if it helps, I've actually brainstormed some too. So, ummm, voila! Here's chappy 14  
  
~Chapter XIV- Gondor Bound~  
  
Arwen didn't look up from her two lost boys until all her tears had been shed. However, when she finally DID notice they weren't alone, she found herself looking straight into the eyes of a very regal (not to mention dirty, yet handsome) human. She found herself transfixed, and though she didn't know it, Aragorn was equally transfixed.  
  
Legolas, being the diplomat that he is, took it upon himself to break the awkward silence that now enveloped the group. Since Aragorn didn't appear to be able to REMEMBER his own name, much less introduce himself to this beautiful she-elf, Legolas decided to break the ice.  
  
"Good Evening, fair lady. I am Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, and this is my companion, Ara. . ."  
  
"I am Strider, m'lady." Interrupted Aragorn hastily, having immediately regained his composure at the sound of his friend's voice.  
  
"I am Arwen Evenstar." Replied Arwen, still shaken and misty- eyed from the return of the two hobbits.  
  
"Guess what, Mom! Strider and Legolas helped us get home!" Pippin explained excitedly.  
  
"We even got to ride on the big people horses with them!" added Merry.  
  
Arwen didn't know what to think. Her emotions were all in a swirl: relief (Thank Eru they're all right), worry (had they really ridden those huge war horses? They could have been killed!), anger (how could I have almost left and missed them?), and overwhelming bliss (my boys are home!). She managed to find her voice.  
  
"Thank you for returning my sons to me, good sirs." She said, with as much gratitude in her voice as she could muster. "If there is any way I can repay you, please tell me."  
  
"Mom, Strider has a question for you." Said Pippin, remembering Aragorn's quest.  
  
"I. . . you. . . Where are you headed, Lady Arwen?"  
  
"I was getting ready to go to Gondor, Sir Strider."  
  
"Then may we accompany you? My companion and I are headed to Gondor as well."  
  
"Most certainly, sir." And with that, Merry, Pippin, Arwen, Aragorn, and Legolas began the journey to Gondor.  
  
  
  
Legolas soon found himself driving a cart full of Arwen's furniture and two energetic hobbit lads. He had offered his horse to Arwen, who was now engaged in a conversation with Aragorn. They had started off talking about their adoptive hobbit boys, but had later branched off to other topics. Both looked extremely happy.  
  
"Legolas?"  
  
"What, Pippin?"  
  
"Is Aragorn going to marry mom?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"I think Aragorn would make a wonderful dad." Commented Merry.  
  
"And doesn't he have a hobbit son? That means if they did marry each other, we'd have another brother!"  
  
"Yes, the crown prince Frodo is a Halfling like yourselves." Legolas explained.  
  
"What's he like?" asked Merry.  
  
"You'll meet him soon enough. We're almost at Gondor."  
  
  
  
The king and his companions were not welcomed into Gondor by the clear ringing of silver trumpets. No crowds of townspeople lined the streets to catch a glimpse of their ruler. Nothing distinguished their arrival as anything special. Aragorn had made sure of that. He had finally found a way to ensure that if Lady Arwen fell in love with him, she truly loved him, not his crown.  
  
Arwen and Aragorn rode through the streets, while the slower cart bearing Legolas and the hobbits trailed behind. Legolas could see that Arwen wished to ride ahead and see more of the city, and that his friend was eager to show her.  
  
"Lady Arwen! Why don't you and Strider go on and explore the city? The boys and I will deliver your things and meet up with you later." Legolas offered. Arwen agreed. As she rode off with Aragorn, Merry smirked mischievously.  
  
"Do we get to meet the prince now, Legolas?"  
  
"Of course." Since Arwen was out of sight now, the castle attendants that Aragorn had ridden ahead to meet before arriving in Gondor to inform to stay out of sight came out. One took over the cart and drove it to the house Arwen had planned to move into. Another ushered the two hobbits in the direction of the palace.  
  
"Aren't you coming with us, Legolas?" Pippin asked. The elf had started off a different direction.  
  
"No, Pippin. I've still got some scheming to do. I've got to tell everyone to address the king as 'Strider', empty out the royal garden, take care of all the work that had doubtlessly pilled up while we were on our journey, and, if the rumors are true and Faramir is proposing to Eowyn tonight, I'll have a wedding to plan. I've got no time. Don't worry. The prince is going to show you the sights of Gondor. Have fun!" With that said, the Prince of Mirkwood ran off.  
  
"So Merry, shall we go meet this prince?"  
  
"I suppose so, Pip. Look, that must be him now." Pippin followed Merry's gaze and found himself looking at-not one, but- two Halflings. One, clearly crown prince Frodo, was dressed in royal robes, while the other wore clanking metal armor.  
  
"I am Frodo," said Frodo, "And this is my knight protector, Samwise."  
  
"I'm Merry, and this is my brother Pippin." Said Merry. "It's nice to meet you."  
  
"Where do you think we should go first, Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam.  
  
"Well, we can't go to the gardens, the barracks are off limits, the stables are being cleaned, so that just leaves the House of Healing and the Palace." It was clear that the absence of the king had affected Gondor greatly.  
  
"No, Faramir threatened that anyone who comes near the palace grounds tonight will be forced to listen to Tom Bombadil sing, on account of him proposin' to Lady Eowyn tonight." Said Sam.  
  
"Then the House of Healing it is!" The four hobbits talked as they walked to the Healing House. Pippin found out that all four shared the same favorite food (mushrooms), that Sam was 'secretly' dating a lass named Rosie Cotton (which Frodo teased him about in a friendly way), that Sam was fiercely protective of Frodo, and that the prince was really a very nice guy.  
  
"So your dad is a king, a ranger, AND a healer?" Asked Merry, as they finally arrived.  
  
"Yes. You know what they say- 'The hands of a healer are the hands of a king'." But Merry and Pippin were no longer listening to Frodo. Both were gathered around a cot on which an elderly hobbit lay.  
  
"We found him wandering around and brought him here." Explained a healer. "He seems to be suffering from an addiction. He doesn't even know who he is."  
  
"We know who he is." Said Merry. "That's Bilbo."  
  
"Arwen?"  
  
"Yes Strider?" Arwen answered. Strider had led her through the city, and now the two were walking through a beautiful garden. It was evening, and the stars were just beginning to appear in the darkened sky.  
  
"Merry and Pippin told me you've been married before. What was your husband like?" Aragorn hoped she wouldn't be offended by his asking.  
  
"Boromir? He was my best friend. And he was a good father for Merry and Pippin, too. He was kind and helpful, and he truly loved them. In the end, he gave his life to save them."  
  
"Did you love him?" Aragorn prompted  
  
"I loved him as a friend, but not romantically. And he didn't love me like that either. We married so Merry and Pippin would have a family, not because we loved each other. But we always got along well, and we were fond of each other. I have no bad memories of him."  
  
"Was it hard to marry someone without loving them?" Aragorn found himself asking.  
  
"Not then. I had never known what love felt like, so I didn't have anything to compare it to. I didn't know then what I was missing out on."  
  
"And what about now?"  
  
"I think I'm beginning to learn."  
  
'Does that mean what I think it means?' Aragorn wondered. 'Does she feel what I feel?' He realized two things in that instant. 1. Though he had just met her, he was in love with Arwen Evenstar. And 2. He needed to tell her the truth.  
  
"Arwen. I have something I need to tell you."  
  
"I need to tell you something too, Strider." Arwen said.  
  
"You see, I'm not just a mere ranger."  
  
"Oh, I know that, Strider. I can tell you're much more than that."  
  
"My name isn't really Strider."  
  
"I figured as much."  
  
"And I'm Aragorn, king of Gondor."  
  
Arwen fainted right into Aragorn's arms.  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
That's a wrap, I guess. Don't worry, thought, there's going to be an epilogue to tell what happens to everyone. I hope this Aragorn/Arwen romance stuff wasn't written too badly. I'm not too good with romance.  
  
Moral- When you live in a fantasy world, your life is bound to end up as Happily Ever After. 


	15. Chapter XV Epilogue

Merry and Pippin  
  
Note- *SOB* This is my final chapter. I just can't believe this!! This is the first fic. I've ever finished!! I will treasure this moment forever! Hope you enjoy the exciting conclusion to MERRY AND PIPPIN!!  
  
~Chapter XV- Epilogue~  
  
I know you are all DYING to know what happens to all the character, so here it is-  
  
Bilbo- Bilbo was found wandering around aimlessly outside of Gondor. He was brought to the House of Healing not knowing who he was or where he came from. He has spent the last three weeks in a Victim-of-the- Ring-Rehabilitation Program, and is expected to make a full recovery before his next birthday. In the mean time, he has been passing the time by telling stories to the young hobbits (Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Frodo), and has become like an uncle to young Prince Frodo.  
  
Legolas- The elven Prince Legolas continues to serve Aragorn faithfully, and remains his best friend. He would like everyone to know that he really did win the Faramir-Eowyn bet (there was some confusion with it. Aragorn had said that Faramir would propose by the time they got back, but technically, he didn't. However, Aragorn maintains his opinion that since he proposed that night, it still counts. Aragorn and Legolas ended up calling the bet a draw, but only because Aragorn started hinting that Mirkwood was in dire need of a princess and it was high time that Legolas settled down and got married. Legolas was too busy running to argue about their bet). He hasn't been back to Fairy Tale Lane lately, but would appreciate it if anyone out there would give him a few tips for fighting bad hair days (not that he has any, mind you).  
  
Gimli and Treebeard- Both dwarf and ent still reside in the Shire (hey, if they leave, the population would be one half), although they will be coming to Gondor for a certain special event. They still tend to and protect the rocks and trees (respectively), and hope to someday train apprentices to help them. Until then, they are satisfied with the occasional visit from Merry, Pippin, and Arwen.  
  
Grandmother and Old Man Willow- These two elderly trees have finally decided to tie the knot (or the vine)!! Both have been seeing each other for months at Fairy Tale Lane, and love has bloomed. And there is a rumor that a few willow seedlings are to be expected next spring. Congrats for the happy couple!  
  
The Cute Furry Woodland Creature Union- Although these cute furry wood animals have left the big screen, they are on their way to making big in another form of show business. They have joined a petting zoo. Although it's not as glamorous as movie work, they get nights and weekends off, a great dental plan, and tons of adoring four-year-old fans. They are quite happy. If you're interested, they are available for birthday parties and carnivals; however, they take only the finest hay and acorns as payment.  
  
Samwise Gamgee- Sam now has his hands full watching over Crown Prince Frodo and the two new princes, Merry and Pippin. However, he still finds time to tend to the royal gardens (which grows potatoes and mushrooms as well as exotic flowers- its run by a hobbit, what do you expect?) and sneak away to visit Rosie Cotton (just don't let him know that YOU know that. It's a 'secret').  
  
Frodo- Frodo has never been happier in his life. Not only had his adoptive father returned, he also had a new mother, two mischievous brothers, and an uncle. He enjoys spending time stealing vegetables with Merry and Pippin, as well as listening to Bilbo's stories.  
  
I think you all know what happens to the Disney characters, so I guess that's all there is to tell. If you want to know how Merry, Pippin, Arwen, and Aragorn turn out, you'll just have to figure this out on your own. But I will give you this-  
  
  
  
You are cordially invited to the wedding of  
  
Arwen Evenstar  
and  
King Aragorn Elessar of Gondor  
at noon on Midsummer Day  
in the town square of Gondor.  
  
  
  
P.S. PLEASE BRING FOOD  
  
-MERRY AND PIPPIN  
  
I have a feeling that they're doing just fine.  
  
AND  
  
THEY  
  
LIVED  
  
HAPPILY  
  
EVER  
  
AFTER!  
  
Yeah! I finished! I actually finished!!!!!! I like this feeling. Maybe I should go back and finish my other abandoned fic. Maybe. . . Anyways, moral is- Nothing permanently bad can ever happen to the cute, troublesome main characters of the story. It always ends up happily ever after.  
  
Bye!! Peace Out, everyone! May the force be with y'all!! ('specially if you review!!)  
  
~Jenova 


End file.
